THE EVER PASSING PRESENT MOMENT
Sometimes the message within recovery become so powerful it really shouts at me. Recovering threw the power of the program, not my wounded status. Has been for me a long process.I used to believe that the wounds of my addiction were my only identifier but they only identified my dysfunctional behaviour they have become the rash of my disease, not the solution to my problem within my recovery. The fundamental truth of these facts brought me to a spiritual rebirthing a catharsis a shedding of my past as a predictor of my future. My wounds emotional and psychical do not define me, they only identify where I have come from. They are station on my journey and speak nothing of the destination. They are not a label or a badge I have to wear, they belong to my past and do not define my future unless I want them too.The constant unpicking of the scabs of my old behaviours can regenerate the festering maggots of low self esteem that locked me into my addictive disease.
Imagine setting the intention to create primary recovery in my life that supports and encourages me into a life that is within my newly acquired power with the use of Step three – CONSCIOUSLY in every decision I make. I think this has always been an unconscious desire of mine, but those words hold a lot of power and understanding of my program, acceptance at depth that the battle is finally over against my selfishness, resentments and coming to the realisation that I have finally lost.That the program is my new beginning its my ground zero on which I have build a new life. Bonding over the pain doesn't help me and getting angry or jealous when the other person starts to step into their power of their recovery doesn't help me. Have you done that? I know I have, many times.I didn't know the answer to my problem so I keep identifying with the wounds. I couldn't get into my power. I had to hijack someone else's. All those inspirational speaker tapes I listened to rarely did they speak of rebirth most centred on the wounded soul or the subtle rebirth of their own egos.
When I bond over my wounds only, eventually it feels like I am walking on eggshells in my recovery. If you feel this way, then I can safely say I have not bonded over my power and thus not attracted a recovery that supports and encourages me to live within that power in my life. The flip-side of this desire is that I must also celebrate, support and encourage myself to live within the power of my recovery finding the will of that higher power, the power of my recovery in all aspects of my life. And THAT can be a difficult place to be. If I consciously live in my power, I have less certainty around what will possibly happen in my life. Less predictability. I have a feeling of loss of control, unmanageability and edginess starts to manifest itself, a sense of newness pervades everything I do. Life becomes an adventure in Step two. I have to start to learn to trust in something,some power outside myself. If I start to support someone else’s power they might get more attention than me, which can feel threatening to my self dominated life. I might be thrown out of the spotlight, marginalised in my recovery. My ego suffers I have to do less shouting, less demanding and more listening, I have to become a bold and confident person a person with high self-esteem to be able to bond over each other’s power and encourage the fullness in other persons in the fellowships or in the outside world away from our sometimes cosy recovery to be able to gain some semblance of humility, understand, learn a fundamental lesson in my recovery.
Remember, time and time again, that other people are not the source of my recovery in the program. Its the higher power that fills me from within. We fill ourselves by loving ourselves. We fill ourselves by taking care of ourselves. We fill ourselves by choosing to surround ourselves with loving people and keeping high standards around who we give the privilege of our time to. We also fill ourselves by getting our eyes off of ourselves, our wounds and being of service to others. We reach out a helping hand to those in need with no expectation of return. We fill ourselves by doing meditation and prayer. Not by a constant examination of those old wounded tattoos. .
So, my question for me today is this: is the recovery in my life supporting my power or discouraging my power? Am I bonding over my addiction wounds only, or have I bonded over being in the mutual power of my recovery? Is my recovery set up so I can thrive? Or does the recovery in my life hold me back? Do I dwell on the wounds and loss, Am I addicted to my wounds and loss and not leaving enough space for my recovery. Am I prepared to live in the solution and not my wounded soul. And once we know what our relationship with our Higher Power is, “Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. As we became CONSCIOUS of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. (p.63 AA)
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