There is no black and white definition of an alcoholic. It helps me to think of alcohol as a demon. It personifies what I am fighting and forces to me to disassociate from the glamor of a champagne flute.

Jerrold Robertshaw as the Demon Alcohol (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 Perhaps some are born to it, perhaps some learn it or perhaps it simply starts with the belief that one glass of alcohol a night relieves stress and is good for you.  Everyone with a glass of wine in their hand is at risk.  It just takes a string of bad luck, events or years and there you go.  I can stop drinking on my own when I turn on my will center.  I can go days, weeks, months and even years without a hangover, being drunk or drinking at all.  Once I start to drink, however, it takes a whole lot of suffering for my mind to have the thought to stop.  Once I start, I don’t want to stop.  So for me, the question is not how do I stop?  The question is how do I not start?

Everyday starts about the same in my life.  I wake up, roll over and express gratitude that my eyes opened or that I get to teach yoga or that it’s the weekend and the kids don’t have to get up at 6 am.  I wish I could be more elegant, but I’m usually sleepy and that’s what I’m honestly grateful for.  My morning practice of gratitude still feels like practice.  Sometimes I admonish myself and remind myself to be grateful to Spirit first, but I forget.

I get up, grab my robe, go make coffee, and sit down with my email.  About halfway through my coffee I tend to  light up when I suddenly realize that I am not hung over.  It amazes me that I do this, I forget and then I remember, and in that moment of remembering gratitude isn’t a practice anymore.  My body heats up, my eyes tear, I look out the window at whatever weather exists that day and I thank God above with my whole heart for giving me this gift of life…this gift of love. I am so grateful for every sober moment.
I don’t use the term alcoholic.  Having taken an alternative path to heal,  I don’t know what the label alcoholic actually means and who it fits.  Sitting right now in this body, with this mind, expressing this consciousness, I don’t know if I am or I am not.  Having read, researched and investigated every traditional and non-traditional way to heal from the “collective demon” of alcohol, I still don’t know.

This I know and believe with all my heart.  There is no black and white definition of an alcoholic.  Perhaps some are born to it, perhaps some learn it or perhaps it simply starts with the belief that one glass of alcohol a night relieves stress and is good for you.  Everyone with a glass of wine in their hand is at risk.  It just takes a string of bad luck, events or years and there you go.  I can stop drinking on my own when I turn on my will center.  I can go days, weeks, months and even years without a hangover, being drunk or drinking at all.  Once I start to drink, however, it takes a whole lot of suffering for my mind to have the thought to stop.  Once I start, I don’t want to stop.  So for me, the question is not how do I stop?  The question is how do I not start?
It helps me to think of alcohol as a demon.  It personifies what I am fighting and forces to me to disassociate from the glamor of a champagne flute.  I battle this demon using  yoga, meditation, holistic living and a whole lot of personal will.  I’ve never done a 12-step.  It doesn’t resonate with me.  I’ve seen  therapists, but they always tell me I’m fine probably because I can stop using will, but I know that I’m not.  Willpower is overrated in the end anyway. I feel great shame from drinking and this has prevented me from reaching out to family and friends. Maybe you are like me and just can’t reach out in such an open way, or you want to do this on your own, or you need a private and holistic way to conquer your demon.  I hope my collected thoughts help you in some way.  I’d like to think all of this suffering had some greater purpose.

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