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Fraser Trevor Fraser Trevor Author
Title: Sit quietly. Be doomed. No “think, think, thinking” about anything at all. No panicked race for a notebook or a church basement. No phone calls. Just doom.
Author: Fraser Trevor
Rating 5 of 5 Des:
At two years sober, I saw a guy smoke pot in a movie and it gave me the shivers. At five years, I was in a bad way and caught myself plan...

At two years sober, I saw a guy smoke pot in a movie and it gave me the shivers. At five years, I was in a bad way and caught myself planning a trip to the bar. Then at seven years, just a few days before this particular Wednesday morning, I was transfixed by a realization of just how much I enjoyed getting high.
That’s three times in seven years that I should have fallen off the wagon and didn’t.
At two years, my response was to run into the next room, get on my knees and pray my ass off. Then I wrote a bunch of inventory, read it, and made an amend. At five years, my response was to force myself to go to meetings I hadn’t been to before. Then I wrote a bunch of inventory, read it, and made an amend.
Each response was the very best program I could come up with; each response was a panicked one, an act of desperation. And I remained shaken for weeks afterward, questioning my program and my connection with God. What was wrong with me? Where was I screwing up the program? What could I do to get it right?
Maybe it’s easier to be doomed on day one than on day 1,958. Maybe getting some time under my belt made me think I ought to know better and should have had this thing handled by now. After all, I had all the tools, right? I just had to use them to put myself back together again.
Only that’s not how the tools work.
These tools don’t work if you’re the one using them.
At seven years, my response was to stop everything. Sit quietly. Be doomed.
No “think, think, thinking” about anything at all. No panicked race for a notebook or a church basement. No phone calls.
Just doom.
I cannot fix this.
It’s a terrible feeling. But it joins us, hard and fast, to the presence of God.

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